Why Me

For the past 20+ years, the number of tears that have dropped from my eyes could fill a lake. It is an over dramatic statement, rarely is there a day tears do not fall from my eyes. I just keep asking Jesus, Why me. 

Why does His Love grace my heart every day? Why are His mercies new every morning? Each day that goes by, hours whisk like seconds when i am in His presence. His voice is a small whisper of breath or a boisterous thunderous roar ringing in my ears. The touch of His hand can be heavy or light that guides me through each second, each breath and each step I take. Again, I ask “Why Me?” 

Early on my question to God was “Why” without the “me”. It is not possible God exists; how can this be. Jesus, why are you calling? Why are speaking with me? Have you not seen my past 30 years? My life was never about You. I am a nobody, let me be.  Are you sure you have the right guy? 

My suitcases are full of dirty laundry, the burdens are heavy, my heart is empty, the pains are deep, love is only a four-letter word that I confuse with sex a three-letter word. Lust drives my soul. 

But you oh God, are holy and clean. I am oh so unholy and not clean. Look around me, there are many whose lives glisten with life instead of my dullness of gloom. 

Why are you asking me to drink the water where I will never thirst again? What is in this water that can make me, again me, clean. Do you not see Your light does not shine in the darkness which surrounds my soul? Do you not feel my ice-cold heart? Or the filth covering my naked body? What about my tongue that shoots fiery darts at those around me? And you still, want to give me this water where I will never thirst and will wash me clean?  

Your voice is sweet to my ears, how can this be.   This Love that is touching my heart, it feels so warm and inviting towards me. Your light is shining and glistening my soul where darkness once held its strength.    

Why are tears falling rapidly into a pool on the ground below where my heart is crying “ut quid mihi”, “why me” while my voice is singing hallelujah. This can’t be, but it is so good, let it not stop. Let my soul sing to you in worship hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

Wait, you are not done with me. You want to give me compassion, where I was once compassionless, and grace to such a graceless person. Here comes love, peace, joy, hope, and mercy that want to embrace my soul. You realize Lord, my friends are loveless, peaceless, joyless, hopeless, and merciless.  We meet daily in the streets, planning the night of riotous living. There is more, kindness, and goodness, and patience, and faithfulness come too. Oh, how wretched a man I am.   

You want to hug me, wow, your embrace is soft yet firm. Your hand is now upon my shoulder, will it always be there to guide, protect, and secure me in my daily walks. This spirit of God in wisdom, knowledge, understanding, and craftsmanship, which touches my soul, does it mold and shape my life every day. They both do, great, I will answer you and drink this living water you have asked me to drink. Now I understand "Why Me", You love me, I love you too Lord.